Ass Invasion

I get unusual cases at work from time to time. Some make my day and some are just simply bizarre. Today's one for the bizarre cases. I had a man come in today worried that he might have been raped in his sleep. He, for obvious reason cannot be named, had too much to drink and was hanging out with this mate of his whom he claimed was of bisexual orientation and would bugger anybody up the ass.

So this two cowboys were having a few drinks together and happened to crash in the same living room that night. I don't know what happened that night but he woke up in the morning thinking he had been ass invaded. He shows one week later in the Emergency Dept, wanting to know for sure if he had been sexually assaulted. I asked him why he would think that, he cited it was because his mate was bisexual and had multiple partners. The moment he said that, I looked around to see if the crazy squad had arrived to look for their missing nut case.

So I asked him if he woke up the next day with a sore ass. He said no. So I ask him if there was traces of semen, vaseline on his body the next day. He said no. I asked him if his clothes had been removed from his person or if there was any sign of physical injury or struggle. He said no. I asked him if his mate had been known to sexually assault somebody, he said he didn't know. Well, I told him then it was unlikely anything had happened. So he asked if he was okay then? I said "Yeah, you're probably ok" though what I should have said was, " No, you're not. You've got some serious problems mate! Now shag off!"